A man asked his neighbor to “take care” of his dog while he was away on vacation. The neighbor agreed. When the man returned home, his dog was nowhere to be found. He ran next door to his neighbor and exclaimed, “Where’s my dog?” He received a puzzled look and a response, “I shot him. I thought you said, ‘Take care of him.’” Lack of communication—I wonder how many problems it causes? I trust the following principles will help you to better understand and communicate with your spouse:
The Principle of Understanding: Understand how your spouse thinks. The Bible says in 1 Peter 3:7, “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” The Bible commands us, husbands in particular, to understand our spouses—to “dwell with them according to knowledge.” We ought to know how they think even when we might not agree with the way they think. Many of us waste a great deal of time in trying to get our partner to think the way we think, yet the Bible tells us that our goal is not to have people understand and agree with us; our goal is to understand and serve others (Philippians 2:3–4). We should quit trying to be understood and start trying to understand.
The Principle of Timing: Time your conversations according to your spouse’s mood. The Bible says in John 16:12, “I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now.” Sometimes we have the right message at the wrong moment. A wise wife soon discerns that difficulties are better discussed after supper than before. The attentive husband will grasp the fact that it is better to discuss certain situations with his wife after a good day than after a bad one. The wife looking for a little extra money for household expenses would be well-advised to time her request to come right after her husband has been paid than when he is broke. Walking in the Spirit and relying on Him to guide us will help us to make a request at the best time.
The Principle of Ownership: Make the problem your problem. The Bible gives this insight in Matthew 5:23–24, “Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.” Jesus said in Matthew 18:15, “Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.” How often have you heard someone say, “But it’s not my fault!” “I didn’t start it,” or “But they’re the one who did wrong”? It is intriguing to me that in Matthew 5:23 the Lord Jesus commands the person who has done wrong to go to his brother and make things right, but in Matthew 18:15, the Lord Jesus commands the individual who has been wronged to go to his brother and seek resolution. God is more interested in resolving problems than in laying blame. Focusing on a solution is owning the problem. Your spouse will not jump to fix every problem you pin on him or her, but your spouse will help you solve your own problem.
Instead of saying to your wife, “You’re spending too much money—we’re going to go broke this way,” try, “Would you help me as a family with the tight time we are going through financially?” Instead of saying to your husband, “Why don’t you give me a reasonable amount of money so I can afford to feed this family,” it might be more helpful to say, “Sweetheart, I’ve been doing my best to get what we need on our current grocery budget, but I’m not able to make the dollars stretch enough. Could you give me some advice?” Instead of saying to your spouse, “That was a really stupid thing you said,” it might be wiser to say, “I know I shouldn’t have been bothered by this, but would you do me a favor and not say such-and-such the next time?” People are far more willing to help us solve our problems than they are to solve a problem that we dump on them.
The Principle of Silence: Silence sometimes is the best answer. The Bible says in Proverbs 29:11, “A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.” What a marvelous verse! We have been taught by the pop psychologists that transparency and honesty require that we say everything we think. This is just a license to live in the flesh. Not everything we think is godly. Not everything we think is scriptural. The Bible tells us in 2 Corinthians 10:5 that we are responsible for, “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ….” You and I have no obligation to say everything we think, and we have good reasons not to do so. You never have to apologize for the words you do not say. Silence is occasionally misunderstood, but it is never misquoted. “Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding” (Proverbs 17:28).
The Principle of Listening: Listen, really listen, when your spouse is talking. The Bible says in Matthew 11:15, “He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.” I have become convinced that in most marital difficulties—particularly those where there is a significant amount of tension and frustration—people do not really listen. They simply wait until it is their turn to talk. Usually, the reason our voice is raised during an argument is because we do not feel the other person has listened fairly to what we have to say. We ratchet up the volume hoping to get our point across.
Listen intently. Give your spouse your full attention. If your wife is talking to you and the newspaper is up in front of your face, she may suspect you are not paying attention!
Listen responsively. When a person sits with no expression on his face and no vocal response, it communicates indifference or even antagonism. Nod, smile, and use occasional interjections like, “Oh, my,” “That’s interesting,” and “I understand.”
Listen agreeably. No matter how far apart you and your spouse are on a particular position, find areas of common agreement. This gives you a place to stand together before you work on the areas where you stand apart. If your spouse lists ten concerns and you begin by blasting the eight you oppose, you will not have a pleasant discussion. On the other hand, if you say, “Well, I certainly agree that…” and “I totally see your point on…” you will have the attention and openness needed to discuss the disputed items on the agenda.
The Principle of Kindness: No matter what, be kind. Ephesians 4:32 says, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” Someone once said, “If you’re unkind, you’re the wrong kind.” I do not mind if people disagree with my position, but I do not want them to disagree with my disposition. Kind words, a considerate attitude, and a helpful spirit go a long way toward resolving differences.
The Principle of a Soft Answer: Speak softly in an argument. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” The word “soft” applies both to the kinds of words we speak and also the manner in which we speak them. It is wise to speak with a soft tone when having a discussion of differences. The Scripture clearly gives us two options in this verse: We can use our words to stir up wrath, or we can use our words to turn it away.
The Principle of Self-Control: Take responsibility to control yourself. The Bible says in James 1:20, “For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.” Sometimes we try to down-play our temper by saying, “Well, I just couldn’t help myself,” “They made me so mad,” or “They just knew which buttons to push.” Remember that we are to “keep under [our] body and bring it into subjection.” We will give an account for “every idle word.” God clearly tells us our wrath will not accomplish His righteousness.
The Principle of Carefully Chosen Words: Your words matter. Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.” An individual is much more likely to respond to a kindly spoken request to “give me just a few seconds to finish my thought” than to one which says, “Shut up and let me finish.” One year at Christmas our church was recording an hour-long concert to be played over the largest radio station in our town, and I was asked to sing a solo part with an ensemble. They hummed beautifully behind me while I sang my part. Our music director and the sound expert who were helping us with the recording huddled together for a moment before one of them came up and said kindly, “Pastor, you are phonating beneath the pitch.” What a kind way to say, “You’re off-key!” I appreciated their carefully selected words, and the next time, by the grace of God, I got it right.
The Principle of Spirit Control: Yield to the Holy Spirit. We know that Ephesians 5:18 commands us to be filled with the Spirit, but it is important to note that Ephesians 5:19 continues by saying, “Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord.” The individual who is yielded to the Spirit will be guided to say the right words in the right way. If both husband and wife are yielded to the Holy Spirit, they can avoid much of the frustration that comes from miscommunication.
